weddingsv make me drug and hornr
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
