with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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