i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
