I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
