i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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