I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
