I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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