I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
