Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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