I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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