guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
