Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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