there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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