Where did you get a picture of my penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
