Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
