I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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