He had one of those small greek statue penises
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
