I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
