He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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