A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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