So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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