just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
