you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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