I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Boobs speak an international language.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
