billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
