You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Randomize
