was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
