she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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