I want to walk on stilts...naked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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