Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
