Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
