You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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