Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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