i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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