Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
