omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
