Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
