dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he shaved USA in his pubs
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
