theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I touched a dick in church today
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