3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
