Only a mothe r could love this liver
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
