So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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