When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
