Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
