I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
