its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
