I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
