I've blown a few things in my day
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
