JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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