How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
